Shop Mobile More Submit  Join Login


As babies, we could name all the stars
We could hear the flames of hell
And spy the mountains of Mars
But then comes an angel to kiss us gentle
Our omnipotence it then dismantled
Stringing me up head to toe
You were the angel who took away all I know

Never to wither, never to die
In the name of purity, you will lie
Cold seraphim, heart black as coal
What use does an angel have for a soul?

Inspired by this poem = galacticloud.deviantart.com/ar…
And this one = fridgepoetproject.deviantart.c…
Constructive criticism is appreciated.
Add a Comment:
 
:iconlk-photography:
Lk-Photography Featured By Owner Dec 11, 2016  Hobbyist Photographer
Hey there :wave:

  I like the way you express the feelings, you make very good use of comas, and this helps the reader to better understand the message. Using comas, dots and other punctuation marks in order to change the focus and the rhythm and also gives speed to the reader, or slows it down, is one of the 'tricks' to give life to your writing - thing which you have done very good.

    You have chosen "free verse' as category labeling, but except 4 rows, they all have rhythm, measure and rhyme, which is not bad at all, but for general readers you must decide which path you chose to write. Sadly, sometimes there are rules in this field too (like in any artistry). I already saw you received a feedback for the pair "But then comes an angel to kiss us gentle / Our omnipotence is then dismantled", which I also agree somehow needs to fit in the pattern you created - at these verses, the reader (which is not native English reader) has to slow the reading, although there is no punctuation mark, because the words you used are too long.

   What I would suggest, is to write without thinking, and then review it. You can skip letters or articles from the verses, like 'As babies, we could name all the stars", and you can add punctuation marks to create the atmosphere you want, and the feeling you want to send :)

Good job! :nod:


:iconprojectcomment:
 
Reply
:iconthereallylargefly:
ThereallylargeFly Featured By Owner Dec 11, 2016
Thank you very much. I will take this into consideration. 
Reply
:iconlk-photography:
Lk-Photography Featured By Owner Dec 11, 2016  Hobbyist Photographer
:aww: I'm glad I could be of help
Reply
:iconmarked-writer:
Marked-Writer Featured By Owner Edited Nov 30, 2016  Hobbyist Writer
This is just saddening. It's dark, the wording is amazing, and for me, as a Christian, the message gets across immediately. Your word-choice was amazing, and even though I suck at writing poetry, this is probably one of the best poems I have read in a long time. That last line, What use does an angel have for a soul? is the one that really drives it home in my mind. If this were a song, then those last few lyrics would haunt the listener for the entire length of the night. And that is powerful in my mind.
Reply
:iconthereallylargefly:
ThereallylargeFly Featured By Owner Dec 10, 2016
Thank you. It means a lot to me that my goal succeeded. 
Reply
:iconweirdpersonondeviant:
weirdpersonondeviant Featured By Owner Nov 30, 2016  Hobbyist General Artist
Hello I am Noah from a group called  ProjectComment It will give me random people on the big wide web of DevientArt and i give each and every one a cool review. i give a review on everything. I give a praise and a polish on everything(what I like and what i think you can improve on for future painting's/anything else. I am going to start the review on the note That I have NEVER done a poem review before! So this is new. So I think this poem is plain evil because it is talking about Angel's as the Bad Guy. I like how descriptive it is though. I am sorry if i offended you somehow. reply to clear things up with me. From your pal, Noah
Reply
:iconthereallylargefly:
ThereallylargeFly Featured By Owner Dec 10, 2016
The poem is not stating that angels are evil. I can explain it if you want me to, but I would prefer for it to be interpreted. 
Reply
:iconweirdpersonondeviant:
weirdpersonondeviant Featured By Owner Dec 10, 2016  Hobbyist General Artist
yeah that was my interpertation. so please explain it
Reply
:iconthereallylargefly:
ThereallylargeFly Featured By Owner Dec 11, 2016
The thing that makes human beings interesting is not that we have the potential for good but the fact that we are so flawed. The protagonist of the song is bemoaning the fact that someone he loved became perfect, and thus, unattainable and inhuman. 

The angel thing is a metaphor, there was no actual religious context when I wrote it. 
Reply
:iconweirdpersonondeviant:
weirdpersonondeviant Featured By Owner Dec 11, 2016  Hobbyist General Artist
Okay Thanks!
Reply
:iconprincesscsc:
Princesscsc Featured By Owner Nov 30, 2016  Hobbyist Writer
I like the poem very beautiful. But I'm not really quite sure what's going on in the poem. I don't know if it's just me that doesn't get it but that's pretty much it. The poem is very pretty and has sort of a dark tone to it which I love
good job!! :D 
Reply
:iconthereallylargefly:
ThereallylargeFly Featured By Owner Dec 10, 2016
Understood. Some people seem to be confused about it. 
Reply
:iconprincesscsc:
Princesscsc Featured By Owner Dec 13, 2016  Hobbyist Writer
Yeah that's ok
Reply
:iconwhiskeydreamer:
WhiskeyDreamer Featured By Owner Nov 30, 2016   Writer
I really like this.  You've got a nice rhythm, and beautiful imagery.

The only thing I can point out that I believe needs work is the following lines "But then comes an angel to kiss us gentle / Our omnipotence is then dismantled"  It doesn't keep the rhyming pattern and puts a wrinkle in the rhythm.  After those two lines, it jumps back into pace and the last stanza is simply gorgeous.  Very well done!

ProjectComment 
Reply
:iconthereallylargefly:
ThereallylargeFly Featured By Owner Dec 10, 2016
I agree. I will try to avoid those awkward rhymes in the future. 
Reply
:iconchooniemoonie2002:
ChoonieMoonie2002 Featured By Owner Nov 30, 2016  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Short, yet, even with the name of a demon, is quite good. It quickly depicts the emotion of fear, then hope.
Reply
:iconthereallylargefly:
ThereallylargeFly Featured By Owner Nov 30, 2016
The name is intended to provoke further understanding of poem's meaning, it is not in reverence of demons. 
Reply
:icontheunwoundhourglass8:
This is really good.
Reply
:iconthereallylargefly:
ThereallylargeFly Featured By Owner Sep 11, 2016
Thanks. 
Reply
:icontheunwoundhourglass8:
WelcomeI am a dummy! 
Reply
Add a Comment:
 
×

:iconthereallylargefly: More from ThereallylargeFly


Featured in Collections

stories by CuriousChibiHunter

Amazing Literature by WhiskeyDreamer


More from DeviantArt



Details

Submitted on
March 2, 2016
Link
Thumb

Stats

Views
601
Favourites
15 (who?)
Comments
20
×